Reflecting on Emergence in my own Life: Embracing the Knowing, Not Knowing and Inner Knowing

“When you know what you do not know, you have knowledge. That is the truth of it.” – Richard Wagamese

A Confession

As is likely the case for most of us, I have found myself exhausted and dog tired many times over the last two years. The fear, the change, the figuring it out, the commitment to emerge stronger and disrupt patterns and seek healing. All coupled with a new level of anxiety has at times left me raw and desperately clinging for something, if only a momentary reprieve from the heart palpitations and the deep concern that the accumulation of all of it would result in my coming undone. I learned to observe the moment of panic within myself when I realized that judging and blaming only led to a tailspin of epic proportions, when an anxiety attack led to finger pointing, shame spirals, arguments, and a petulance within myself I had yet to experience (as an adult, anyway). 2020 and 2021 left me ragged…long days, back-to-back meetings, virtual facilitation, creating connection in a seemingly disconnected world, global teams, health care providers, essential workers – all of us needing to be reminded of who we truly are. I needed to be reminded.

A Reckoning

Amidst the chaos, I began to see, feel, taste, and deeply understand, almost transcendentally, the emergent process happening within and all around me. I took a step back, I reflected, I surrendered, I winced, I lost perspective, I gained perspective, I let go of one trapeze bar without quite seeing another. It was tumultuous, it was soul-rocking, it was beautiful and redeeming. It was so goddamn worth it. Because what continues to come out of it (and yes, please note the present tense is a deepened understanding that the path of the wounded healer is just that, a journey) is that I am putting one foot in front of the other. There is no destination, just momentary glimpses of awareness, deep peace, and a fuller consciousness. It takes hard work, grit, gumption, and a ferocity that only comes when we truly understand what is at stake and what we are capable of. Whether or not we believe it, we are all being carried sacredly.

An Intention

Though dog tired, I began to set my intentions for 2021 as most of us do in early January of last year. And knowing that just like 2020, it would require me to continually somersault forward, to figure it out, to breathe, to smile, to cry and to grieve. The intention was set: To embrace the Knowing; the Not Knowing; and the Inner Knowing.

The Knowing

Embracing ‘the knowing’ requires that I take responsibility for what I know, where I acknowledge and honor the gifts, the know-how, the wisdom and the determination gained from all of my previous experiences. It is the knowledge that I carry within me. I own it, it is mine, it goes wherever I go.

Not Knowing

Embracing the not knowing is where I accept that there are many things that I do not know, and in fact, not knowing is ok. Simply put, there are many things that I don’t get to know. For me, this is about acceptance, not pursuit; it is about surrender and truly understanding that any transformation requires a surrendering, an embracing of a force bigger than myself and a belief that when I leap from the edge, one of three things will happen: I will land softly, I will grow wings to fly, or the outline of the next trapeze bar will appear. I do not know, I do not get to know, proceed anyway.

As a child, I was good at ‘not knowing’. By living through my imagination and navigating the world through learning and curiosity, ‘not knowing’ was just part of the process. Like every other little person, I was just figuring it out. It was not until later that I was taught that ‘not knowing’ was a weakness and antithetical to my pursuit (my cages) of achievement, perfection and pleasing. I somehow integrated the message that ‘not knowing’ was not ok and that I better armor up and fake it until I made it. Vulnerability of not knowing was too big of a liability.

Inner Knowing

Of the three, ‘inner knowing’ may be the biggest lifelong challenge for me. One of my unearned gifts, empathy, allowed me to be perceptive of and very sensitive to everyone around me. I ‘intuited’ many things and had a deep sensitivity to anyone in my vicinity. Though I was born with this gift, I was not born with any of the necessary coping mechanisms. These skills would be something that I would have to develop. With each passing phase of my life, the backpack I carried became heavier and heavier with the burdens, struggles and trauma of those around me. I did not yet understand that my gift of perception was meant to be reflected back to those individuals and that my role was to affirm, remind and when possible, bring healing. I was not meant to carry around everyone’s burdens and wounds as if they were my own. And yet, as a young person, this is exactly what I did. All of this is to say, it took me quite a long time to clear the way to be able to hear, acknowledge and then follow my inner knowing. I still struggle with following my own intuition for I am easily influenced by those around me. It has taken me well into my 40s to realize that I do not need others to affirm or validate what I already know to be true. I embrace my inner knowing, I know what I know and understand to my core that others may have different perspectives or separate realities. And so, it is.

Affirmations…

• I trust my inner voice….my inner knowing
• I confidently follow what I know to be right for me
• I am open to advice and influence that is appropriate for me, I reject that which is not
• I release struggle and flow with life

In what ways are you embracing The Knowing, The Inner Knowing and The Not Knowing in your life? Please share your stories.

Image above is from the top of a mosque in Mostar, Bosnia-Herzegovina overlooking the Peace bridge between the Christian and Muslim communities (rebuilt after being destroyed during the civil war in 1992).