On Becoming Part II

I’m a Tinkerer.

Coming to this has been hard earned. “Why?” you may ask. Because I wanted to be something else. I wanted to be a graceful dancer, a nature child, a traveler, an explorer. I wanted to be seen as good, helpful, captivating and even enchanting. I did not want to be a tinkerer.

In a house of all boys and with a mom who could do everything, I imagined myself on the back of a float, dancing the Irish jig during the St. Patrick’s Day parade. I wanted to be seen, though I was too shy to show off. I wanted to be heard, even if I were whispering. I wanted to be valued, even when I had no idea what that even meant. I wanted to be cherished for all my intricacies, many yet undeveloped in my child self. I stuffed my feelings so deep; it was only in volcanic eruptions that my family knew the extreme fire that lie within my belly. I was both sensitive and fierce. I was both wise beyond my years and deeply curious. I would see and experience things through my own eyes and through that of an empath — I could ‘sense’ and feel things deeply — an inner knowing about what others were experiencing that they were not even able to name themselves. And I was rough and tumble: I could throw a football, ride bikes through the creek, play with boys (only boys), and was enrolled in martial arts by the time I was six. My brothers wanted to be Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles; I wanted to be a dancer. There were two of them and one of me, and my dad reasoned  “you’ll have to know how to defend yourself.” So, I did…outlasting them and eventually outranking them. I liked it, it was good for me and my presence and embodiment. I deepened my ability to ‘sense’ during those eight years. And being a young girl, I was novel.

I did not give up on my dream to be on a dance team and on a team I would be…in my early 30s! It was super fun…and I do not ever have to do it again. I will always dance for fun though and my postpartum self hopes that Zumba may still be a possibility. For now I will relish in water aerobics.

You may be wondering what does this have to do with being a tinkerer? Well, I only recently embraced this identity. I have always described myself as scrappy with a healthy dose of ingenuity. I like to ‘lose myself’ in the flow of space and place…which can sometimes be perceived as procrastination or distracted fluttering about. Who knew these innate qualities would converge into embracing my Tinker Bell essence? In October of 2022, we moved into the Encounter, a beautiful, interactive collaboration space to host community and team events. We got to design every inch of it from flooring to tearing down walls to paint colors, movable furniture and whiteboard walls. I put my fingerprint into every nook and cranny, moving pieces here, there, and back again. Nailing into walls (sometimes hitting studs much to my own chagrin), using a drill, moving things into and back out of the space, until it all came together into a mosaic. I loved the process.

Have you seen the original Tinker Bell movie from 2008? It is a coming-of-age film where Tinker Bell wants desperately to visit the mainland to bring about the season of spring. She is sorely disappointed when she finds out that tinker fairies do not get to go to the mainland. So, she attempts to take on everyone else’s nature skills from water to animals to light so that she can prove her worthiness and get permission to go to the mainland. What ensues is utter disaster as all the preparations for spring are destroyed…and she runs away. Her friend Terrence, a dust-keeper, reminds Tinker Bell of the importance of everyone’s talents. To make a long story short, Tinker Bell redeems herself when she applies her incredibly strong tinker talents to fix and expedite the preparations for spring. She saves spring and, as with any good Disney movie, is granted permission by the queen to visit the mainland.

On a recent trip to visit my dad in San Diego, he asked for my help setting up essential oil diffusers throughout his house. One was missing the wire, so we went to the garage to search through boxes. Applying my ‘tinker’ skills, I eventually got it to work (and look good to boot!). My dad paid me one of the best compliments, “I think that you just out MacGyver’d me!” I blushed with pride as now, in my mid-forties, I fully embrace my innate talents and declare, ‘I too, am a tinker fairy.’